team leading is actually hard (part one)

well here I am, sitting on Gretchen’s bed in our humble abode; this home we share with 43 other people. I’m staring out the window that looks out to a blue wall with surfboards resting against it, & just beyond it is a field that’s flourishing with banana trees. I’m wearing my Gonzaga t-shirt with my gray shorts that have dirt stains from wearing them everywhere, every night. I’m listening to Mack Brocks “to the End” & wondering where all the time went. i have seven days left with gap i. 

Dang, what a season. 

One of my first days in Gainesville (before racers got there) I was at my mentors house with the rest of our leadership team & we went through training for how to lead these people well. We were sitting on Kirsten’s couches & (because she’s a hospitality queen) we ate homemade cinnamon rolls. & they were d i v i n e. It was then when I said the words with my hands making air quotes “and people say team leading is ‘hard'”. I had no idea what i’d gotten myself into. 

This season has quite possibly been one of the hardest seasons of discipleship that i’ve ever walked through. I’ve experienced what it is to sacrifice in more ways than one. Everything from the comfort of my home, to the gratification of being “right”. I’ve missed the toilets that flush, getting in my car & going somewhere on my own, hugging my mom & living a simple & slow paced life. I have wrestled with leadership, lies about my identity, deep homesickness (the kind you get from crying in your tent at 2am, wishing your brother would drive to come get you & bring you home), the destruction of pride, little to no privacy when living in community & the great loss of control. 

I have stayed up late into the night, thinking about my team and wondering if i’m doing it “right”. I’ve held girls who’ve crumbled into my arms because this world was not kind to them. I’ve wept with them and have called upon the Great Comforters’ name, because their burdens were simply too much to bear on my own. I’ve said the hard thing that some don’t want to hear, whether it be calling out pride, apathy or distraction. I’ve messed up, spoke to soon, acted like I was God & have had to humble myself to ask for forgiveness. I’ve offered up any & all advice i have for them to fight their own battles, and have been left feeling like i didn’t help at all. I’ve watched them walk through homesickness, loneliness & loss of their own, the kind that breaks my heart for them. 

Yeah, team leading is actually hard. 

In all of this i’m reminded of a day when I was in Gainseville, just before we came to Costa Rica. I was walking in the woods by myself, up this steep gravel hill otherwise known as ‘the Jesus hill’. I had a bounce in my step, my heart was beating fast, i could almost see my breath, but i trekked on. It was then that i got to the top when the Lord whispered “I didn’t create you for easy”. 

The more i pondered what He had spoken the more i realized that living the Christian life is easy, but following Jesus will cost you everything. It will cost me comfort, family, pride, and so much more…..