of dirt & grace.

on february 27th i embarked on one of the most physically challenging journeys of my life. it was 6 hours of ash, dirt, steep hills, winding roads and a few stairs too. there was a time at the beginning of the hike where my friend e asked what the Lord was speaking to me. and i heard Him say “when will you just come to the end of yourself?” and for the first 3 hours i had no idea what the Lord meant by that. by hour 4 i noticed that one of my friends couldn’t carry her pack anymore, and she allowed another friend of ours to carry it. all of a sudden two men on my squad were switching off & carrying this woman’s pack. i remember being so envious of them and how they could carry not only their pack, but someone else’s too. i was jealous of their strength. in that moment i asked God “what is strength?”. & He reminded me of words He’s already spoken to me, strength is found in the commitment to the well being of others, without conditions. yeah. that because these men love our teammate so well, they’re willing to sacrifice conditions of easiness & a selfish mindset. in that moment my feelings changed from envy to encouragement. 

later on in the hike i saw one of those men put down my friends pack to take a break. without thinking twice i offered to pick it up (i really don’t remember thinking why other than i should do this). i picked it up over my head, resumed my music & started walking. all of a sudden i started walking really really fast. & in that moment i felt the physical hand of God on me like i’ve never felt it before. it felt like there was a giant hand on the back of my pack that was pushing me up and making me walk faster. i was almost running on God-given energy. the pack on my head & shoulders also became lighter & lighter. i was going up a hill thinking “why am i not slowing down or breathing hard?” this should’ve been hard. on my own it’s usually hard. then i was reminded of what He said to me at the beginning of the hike “when will you come to the end of yourself?” and then i found the answer. God was challenging me to give up on myself & my flesh. to give up on my own strength & rely completely on His. Only by Him can i do anything. i can’t hike a volcano or be a strong woman or even love a person well without His strength in my life, in each & every single moment. He was telling me to give up on myself & rely on Him for strength & love & persistency & grace. 

the rest of the hike was still hard, but i continued to go back to the Father and rely on His strength. we stayed over night in tents & the next morning at 4am i woke up to summit for the sunrise. funny story: i was in the back with my friend Nick & it was dark & steep & my breath was being taken from my body. i was saying “i can’t do this, i don’t want to do this”. then nick grabbed my hand and said “you just need to die to your flesh & tell yourself to keep going” in moment i wanted to hit him but after i was so thankful that he said it. thanks God for community! 

the view at the top was breathtaking (literally, it was really freaking windy). but more than that the mental satisfaction was exhilarating. i looked down at the trail and thanked God so much for pulling me through to the top. but more importantly i thanked Him for revealing His character to me in the process. all in all it was a weekend of strength, revelation, “keep goings”, sunrises, dirt & so much gratitude for God & Man. i wouldn’t go back and change anything. 

love you a ton! 

• M